Terms of Service & Privacy-Adjacent Policy

By reading this sentence you have agreed.

1. Acceptance of Terms

Acceptance is automatic, retroactive, and non-refundable. You accepted these terms before you arrived, possibly before you were born, courtesy of our Reverse Alarm Clock division. Declining is available exclusively on Mondays, when the form is unavailable.

2. Your Data

We collect only what we need, and we have decided we need all of it. Your data is stored in the Cloud Umbrella and will be returned to you, all at once, when your storage plan lapses. We never sell your data; we merely let it network aggressively.

Cookies: this site uses cookies, feelings, and one very confident assumption about you.

3. Cookie Preferences

You may choose between "Accept" and "Accept Enthusiastically." A third option, "Think About It," redirects to a staircase.

4. Clone Custody

Any clones generated during checkout, application, or idle browsing remain the joint property of you and your clone, who is also you, which our legal team assures us simplifies nothing.

5. Time-Travel Refunds

Refunds are not available, will not have been available, and were never going to have been available. Complaints may be filed yesterday.

6. Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of several jurisdictions simultaneously, none of which we will name, in the tradition of our classified Y-axis.

By finishing this page you have re-agreed, with feeling.