Sustainability & ESG

Saving the planet, on paper.

FloofenKompfen is committed to a greener future, a greener present, and a retroactively greener past. Our impact is net positive by our own generous accounting.

Impact at a glance

Independently verified by our own independent verification department, which recycles its findings.

140%

of carbon offset by declaring it someone else's

847

industries greenwashed simultaneously

trees planted, but we thought about it loudly

∞∞+

renewable confidence generated

Carbon offset progress

Target: 100%. Achieved: 140%. The extra 40% was declared someone else's problem.

Our pledges

Net Zero

We have achieved net zero by setting both the numerator and the denominator to whatever we want.

Renewable Vibes

100% of our vibes are sustainably sourced from confident guessing.

Circular Economy

Our press releases are recycled into new press releases. This one used to be about Tuesday.

Water Positive

Thanks to Dry Water, we now produce water we didn't intend to. Legal calls this a win.

This report is printed on zero paper and offset against a forest we have described in detail but not located. Forward-looking sustainability statements are backward-compatible with our previous claims. Any resemblance to actual environmental impact is coincidental and, frankly, flattering.