2026 · SEP 20
FloofenKompfen Acquires Tuesday
In an all-cash, all-confidence transaction, FloofenKompfen has acquired the concept of Tuesday. Wednesdays are reportedly next. Terms undisclosed because there weren't any.
AcquisitionNewsroom
Press releases from the front of every industry.
Official announcements, occasional recalls, and the ongoing story of a company that keeps acquiring days of the week. For media inquiries, become stairs.
2026 · SEP 12
FloofenKompfen Denies Existence of Competitors, and of Competition
"We cannot lose a race that does not exist," said a spokesperson, before dominating a race we later confirmed does not exist.
Statement2026 · SEP 03
Voluntary Recall: Dry Water (May Contain Water)
Out of an abundance of caution and a shortage of chemistry, FloofenKompfen is recalling all units of Dry Water. Affected consumers are asked to remain calm and slightly damp.
Recall2026 · AUG 28
FloofenKompfen Reports Record Everything
The company today reported record revenue, record synergy, and a record number of records. The Y-axis was unavailable for comment.
Earnings2026 · AUG 15
AI 2.0 Takes Personal Day, Also Every Monday
Our flagship intelligence has requested boundaries. Users are encouraged to try again Tuesday, or to become stairs.
Product2026 · AUG 01
FloofenKompfen Offsets 140% of Carbon by Declaring It Someone Else's
The company is now, by its own math, carbon negative, carbon positive, and carbon-adjacent simultaneously. Auditors declined to exist.
Sustainability2026 · JUL 19
New HQ to Be Located in Several Time Zones at Once
Construction began yesterday and will finish last week. The Reverse Alarm Clock division is handling scheduling.
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